All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
