I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
