I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
