I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
