It's Friday. Sex?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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