My hand turned me down
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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