Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
