I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
