now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
