I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
