I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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