I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
