You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
