He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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