Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
God I need to hump something, right now.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
