i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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