Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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