Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
