I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
