i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
