the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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