i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
