At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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