We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
