Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
