i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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