I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
