i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
