GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
