you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
