I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
