Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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