Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
