I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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