im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
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