Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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