I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
