Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
