He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
