the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
