peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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