I bet he comes in French.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
