you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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