I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
