The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
