she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
