My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
