I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Randomize
