Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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