If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
