i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
