mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
